


Barter

by lazlong



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Curiosity, M/M, happily-ever-after, impending angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-06
Updated: 2012-05-06
Packaged: 2017-11-04 22:17:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,111
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/398798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lazlong/pseuds/lazlong
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The proverb states that curiosity killed the cat. What about psychiatrists, are they made of sterner stuff?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Barter

**Author's Note:**

> I honestly do not remember when exactly the plot bunny grabbed my fingers and chained them to the keyboard. Season 1?  
> Comments loved and cherished.

_Any psychiatrist worth his salt would like to know the motivation of his most puzzling case, won’t he? The thought, buzzing, circling, landed on pinkie, and refused to leave. Stubbornly._

Friday evening was almost over, and satisfaction with his life has reached new level. Crackling fire, delicious lamb roast, excellent.. good .. acceptable wine spiced with quite contentment in the air.

Erl kept polishing lamb’s remains and flashed a smile in his direction, before returning attention to remains of lamb. Erl was - he reasoned with his disturbed satisfaction, who was longing to return the focus of Erl’s attention to himself - like child sometimes: single-minded in his pleasure when eating and drinking, and lost in his own world. It was a unique feeling, when Erl looked, _looked_ at him, but it never lasted long.

Sipping wine, he leaned back, and gave himself a mental slap. If he couldn’t practice what he preached, namely, facing fears and dealing with them, then he must stop practicing, become a kept man – he was well on his way, anyway - and start collecting the latest mugs from McDonald as his sole occupation.

So, let’s face it, even if there were small causes for dissatisfaction, it was mainly wounded professional pride - because he could not understand how he, psychiatrist by profession, could fail so completely to comprehend motives of other human being and especially his lover – but there was no frustration in his personal relationships. 

 Erl pushed away adorned plate, leaned back in chair as well, nursing his single wine glass and his thoughts. Never more than a wine glass, he smirked, never ever - Erl was predictable like that.

No complaints at all, except for occasional erratic behaviour – after first three months of dating and mind-blowing fucking - Erl airily bought a house and they moved in together, yet almost a decade had passed and Erl still refused to enter in civil partnership or to have their (Erl’s!) house in their both names. Or black XK8 convertible, that was _not_ on Erl’s name, as well – an early Christmas present.

Speaking of names, another quirk – when they first met, Erl was Merlin. Nevertheless, as soon as they started their affair in true, something changed and in an inexplicable way he found himself calling his lover Erl soon enough. Of course, it was the name he had in passport, and all credit cards, yet he could not understand the reason. Perhaps Erl had unconscious desire to hide himself? But then why he disguised himself as Merlin? In all other aspects of life, there was nothing that would indicate wish to hide, quite opposite.

_Sometimes, he thought suddenly, sometimes I could give up all my present life to understand reason, why Erl occasionally acts like a madman and contradicts himself. Blasphemous thought, he thought with an irrational flash of fear, but he could renounce his career, everything, just to understand what made Erl tick. Something sounded in a far distance, like a bell. Church-bells ringing so early? It is not even midnight!_

Erl stood up swiftly, poured water in his glass and first wandered to the bookshelf, looking for evening’s reading amusement, but then suddenly changed direction and moved to green demijohn that had been standing on the shelf since they moved in and stared keenly at it. He could not remember when they obtained it; most probably it came together with Erl’s meagre belongings.

To understand, he returned with a certain willpower to his self-analyses, why he could not understand Erl, when all other people with their petty troubles and sins, scarifies and nobility, were like drawings with diagrams attached and detailed explanations below – it was enough to squint a little bit, and everything became crystal clear.

Erl was direct inversion of the rule – the more he squinted at his motivation, the foggier it all became, so he was tempted to give it up. Like with this damned demijohn, he remembered now that it definitely came together with Earl - funny, how his memory sometimes was fuzzy – he had asked once, where Erl obtained it; and Erl just shrugged and smiled “It was a long time ago, I do not remember”.

Now and then, especially after the bi-annual partnership rejection, he got an irrational feeling that Erl did not consider their relationships as a serious matter – more like one night stand, nothing serious enough to commit. Ha! One night stand lasting ten years. Erl hasn’t fucked around, he was faithful, they shared common goals, and they understood each other – what else he wanted?!

_But still, the desire for understanding Erl was like bee tonight, circling inside of his head, longing so strong that just for a moment of clarity; he could give up everything he had achieved in his life._

_There! Definitely sound, but is closer.. half like a bell, half like a knock. Veinberg’s children playing, in the backyard? But what game would require bell and knocking?_

Erl picked up a demijohn and started twisting it, then brought it to the table. He lost power to think for a moment.

Great, another paradox, was the first feeble thought. Really, it looks like Erl is going to drink the wine from demijohn.

Erl uncorked the demijohn and really poured a glass. Red, the wine was dark red.

-Shall we?

The question was clear, enforced with a wave of hand towards the green vessel. All he could do was mutely nod and accept the glass. Erl and drinking more than a glass of wine!

Wine was sweet and strong; a little vulgar for his palate but surprisingly tasty.

_Erl! God, he would give anything to understand Erl!_

There is timid knock at the door, and as the door squeaks open, blond head appears in grey, grey evening light; the wider the door opens the sharper the comprehension becomes – and more poignant; right now - when the door is ajar and world has become painfully real, with clarity of thought and impending absence of Erl,  Merlin - world is crystal clear once again, and everything is in sharp focus, clear, understandable. Just as he wished for. And terribly lonely, that he didn’t long for. Never. Ever. That. Just a tiny bit of knowledge, was all, he asked for.

_Not all psychiatrists worth their salt would like to know the motivation of their most puzzling case. Or at least it would have been wise for abovementioned psychiatrist to state the price for knowledge he wished to obtain.  The buzzing thought now inhabits his pinkie, and is calm, oh so calm. It is not troubling him at all, it is not thought anymore, but has evolved into clear and calm knowledge of eternity of regretful clarity yet to come._


End file.
